


I'd Sooner Set Myself on Fire

by TooOceanBlue



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, warlock au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:29:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29664552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooOceanBlue/pseuds/TooOceanBlue
Summary: Lup is a warlock patron and a powerful lich. She doesn’t have time to “go out” or “see people”, something her brother never fails to remind her of. So she might have told a little lie to get him off her back, which fireballed into a big lie, which culminated with her in desperate need of a date to bring to the next family dinner.Well, she’s got her favorite warlock on speed dial. Hopefully Taako won’t know the difference.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	I'd Sooner Set Myself on Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to @sgrumby for giving this a lookover before posting, and for making the tumblr post that inspired it!

A line of light cut through the lich’s dark lair, distracting her from her scrying and nearly blinding her.

"Dude." She said.

"Lup," Taako welcomed himself into her lair and sat stubbornly in a slightly dusty armchair. " _ Lulu _ . My dear sister,"

"Stop,"

Taako settled more comfortably against the chair's high back, appraising the cobwebs in the corners. "Gotta be real. Getting a little tired of this goof."

Lup glared. "Not a goof."

"Right, right. It was fun for the first 20 years or so, but I think I might have to call up Merle to get you like, a doctor's order or something."

"I- I do not need  _ Merle _ " Lup insisted, dismissing her scrying. There went that spell slot.

"Mmhm, You haven't left your room in a week."

"So? It's not like I need to- to eat! Or whatever you mortals do."

"Lich or no Lulu, you need to see people."

Lup tugged her scrying components protectively closer. "I see people, dweebus!"

"Uhhuh, your warlocks don't count."

Lup tapped her fingers against the table, leaving a pattern of darker wood where she scorched the surface. "So, what,  _ you _ are telling me to get out more? You? Taako? Of all people?"

"Hey, I've got an excuse. Got like, a little student to look after and everything."

"I've got an excuse," Lup lied. Really, it wasn't like she was becoming a homebody or anything. She went to family dinner. Checked up on her warlocks in person in a display of firey terror to make sure they were still keen on doing her bidding. Or to just check up on them. How their research was going. If they liked the new spell she'd sent their way after learning that they also had an interest in the necromantic arts.

"Non work related." Taako said flatly.

"It's not," Lup insisted. "It’s...social."

Taako laughed. "Right. Unless one of those boys in your bag of dark arts is your boyfriend, I don't think you can call that social. You need to go outside."

Lup bit her tongue. She was not _ friends _ with her warlocks, let alone partners. She was their powerful, terrifying patron. She was their  _ boss.  _ There was definitely like, a conflict of interest there or something, not that she had ever given it any thought whatsoever. She stayed quiet long enough for Taako to notice though.

“Oh.  _ Lup _ ,” he said, his face splitting into a grin that fell somewhere between sympathetic and dastardly. “Are you  _ dating  _ one of your warlocks? You can tell me if you are, I won’t judge.”

Lup grit her teeth. “Yeah,” she lied, “I am actually. So you can get off my butt about not going out?”

Taako leaned back in his chair, narrowing his eyes at her. She could practically hear him rolling an insight check. “Why haven’t you told me?”

_It was none of your business_ , she almost said. Instead what came out was- “It was a secret. Surprise I mean. It was gonna be a surprise.”

“Really? And when was this, uh,  _ surprise _ gonna pop off? Family dinner?”

“You read my mind,” Lup said,  _ fuck fuck fuck. _

“That’s...that’s actually hilarious, Lup, you must  _ like  _ him.”

“Sure,” Lup answered. “Now can you leave? I have-”  _ warlocks to terrorize-  _ “plans”.

“Sure,” Taako repeated, standing up and walking, slowly, towards the door. “I guess I’ll see you  _ Saturday  _ then, huh Lulu?”

_ Shit. _ Was family dinner really so soon? She’d lost track of time. Which was fine usually, except-

“See you then,” she answered, “Boyfriend in tow.” She was so screwed.

-

Barry Bluejeans was a nervous man.

He’d been this way as long as he could remember, as soon as he’d been old enough to be aware of the world around him, of whispers behind his back and monsters you couldn’t chase away with a nursery rhyme. 

It was only natural that he’d be drawn to power. Everyone was. When a person was scared, they sought the strength to protect themselves. The more afraid they were, the more power they needed to feel safe. And Barry was very afraid. He wasn’t above admitting that.

So he studied all he could, forced magic through his veins where he’d had none inherent, consumed scrolls and spell books endlessly. But the human mind could only take in information so quickly. His time was so short,  _ nothing _ compared to an elf’s, or- or something else.

So he’d sought power elsewhere. And found it.

The magic Lup granted him was unlike anything one could find in a library. It was ancient, necrotic- it thrilled him as much as it terrified him, and it made him feel pretty damn safe from anything on the outside. 

Of course he still studied. A warlock’s power took time to build, took trades and sacrifice, and while it certainly was powerful, it sometimes lacked more practical applications. So he made sure to never  _ rely  _ on his patron, and took to libraries as often as ancient temples.

He was sure glad that he did too. There were other paths to powerful magic, magic that drew him in like a siren, magics that  _ Lup  _ of all people took an interest in as well. Sometimes he felt like he was getting the better end of the bargain, when she would stay to speak with him about all he’s learned. Eldritch power,  _ and  _ a chance to know the most resplendent creature in the planar multiverse? There had to be a catch.

Barry turned from his tome as he felt the familiar crackle of apparating magic behind him. He was suddenly aware of how much of a mess his desk was- he never knew when his Patron would pop in for a- a check up. 

“Barry,” She spoke, fire laced through the word, and around her heavy robes.

“H-hi, Lup. Uh, What- um. What’s up?”

The flames quickly retreated, and Lup stood before him.

“Right, this is gonna sound crazy,” She grumbled. “I need you to-” she backtracked, “Are you busy Saturday?”

“N-no?” Barry said. He shouldn’t be. If he was he would have to cancel. His loyalty was to his Patron above all else- on a totally professional level. Of course. 

Lup didn’t continue. She looked...to be honest she looked like she was trying to put something off. Barry wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her like this. 

“Are you...okay?” Barry asked slowly. Wow, way to go with that one. Ask your  _ Patron _ if she’s okay. Surely your centuries-old lich master really needs your help in the feelings department. Maybe going through a mid-millenia crisis, sure.

“I’m fine,” She answered. “but I uh, I need your help,” Barry opened his mouth to respond, but she barreled forward “with a  _ non _ pact-related thing. No- no obligations. So don’t just say ‘yes my undead lord’ or whatever- whatever you used to say when I would actually ask you to do stuff- wow I really to to push you harder huh? Never mind, listen. I…I need you to come with me to my family dinner this Saturday. As a  _ favor, _ ” she emphasized. “Cannot stress enough how much this is  _ not  _ a warlock thing. But it does have to be uh, one of my warlocks. Long story.”

Barry blinked. “Um,” he started, “What?”

Lup sighed, swooping down into the seat she took when they discussed...warlock things. Usually. “My brother wouldn’t get off my case about how much time I was spending at work. I told him my love life was, uh,  _ work related  _ if you catch my drift _. _ And that I would bring him to family dinner.” She buried her face in her hands. “Look, I know that one sounds like a major goof up but my brother could get a  _ sheep _ to cry wolf.”

“Um,” Barry repeated. “Sorry, you need me to be your, uh, f-fake boyfriend?” Barry tried not to focus on the word. _ It is not a good look to blush in front of your patron _ , he told himself.

She looked at him with a wry smile. “You see how this is  _ not  _ work related. So like, feel free to duck out on this one, no eldritch punishments or anything. I’ve got other warlocks to exploit if it comes down to that.”

“Oh,”  _ no _ , he did not like the sound of that. “No, I- um. I’ll do it.” he said. Of course he would. 

Lup’s shadowy ears perked up-  _ hell, that was cute, Barry felt like he was going to suffocate-  _ “Oh. Uh, that's- just like that?"

Barry shrugged. "You're my Patron-" Lup opened her mouth -"I mean uh, it's the least I can do, uh,  _ non transactional,  _ promise."

Lup stared up at him from her chair. "Cool then. Uh- yeah. Okay.” she stood. “The dinner is Saturday, at eight? I can pick you up and we can teleport.”

“Uh, okay is- should I wear something, uh, nice- nicer?”

Lup looked him up and down, then very sharply nodded. “Whatever is fine, you’ll look good- uh- I have to go.” With a wave of her hand Lup had laid down a teleportation circle. “I’ll check in later, if- you know if you change your mind it’s okay! I’ll- see you!” Lup finished, and with a flash of light she was gone. Barry fell back into his chair.

Okay, that was a shorter visit then normal. But he couldn’t say it wasn’t eventful. He ran a hand through his hair.

Okay. He had just agreed to pretend to be his patron’s boyfriend for a  _ family dinner.  _ Non work related. But what was he supposed to say? His devotion to Lup was- maybe more reverent than convenient at this point. A little bit of a big crush that made his heart feel like it was cracking his ribs open. But nothing serious! Warlocks had crushes on their patrons sometimes, it was fine! This was fully casual! Professional even, even though Lup insisted it was not. Just a fake date, out of Warlock duty. Of course. 

Barry eyed the books in front of him, tomes of immortality, of  _ power _ \- enough to make him something worthy, one day. Something...He buried his head in his hands.

He was so screwed.

-

Lup paced her lair back and forth, waiting for the familiar ring in her head that would let her know it was time to leave. There were scorch marks in every place she’d stepped.

There was nothing to be nervous about. Really this was her  _ zone.  _ Lup was about to pull the biggest con she’d run in  _ decades, _ and that was including getting a bunch of losers to do her bidding for two spell slots a day. 

Lup heard the ring, and promptly cast teleportation into Barry’s office. A  _ familiar _ location at this point. He turned sharply at her appearance from where he’d apparently been wandering towards the books. “Oh, uh. Lup?”

Lup flexed her hands.  _ Right.  _ “The robe of shadow and fire is more of a _ work thing _ ,” she explained, “I hope this doesn’t break the illusion or whatever. I know I have like, an image to maintain as your patron.”

“No, it’s f-fine. You look-” He stumbled, “I didn’t know liches could do that.”

Lup smirked. “Liches can do a lot, Babe, how is this news?”

Barry laughed nervously. “I mean, yeah, you’re right.”

Lup nodded, holding out her hand. “You, uh, you ready to go then?”

“Uh, well, yes,” Barry tugged at his shirt as he took her hand. “Is this okay?”

Lup was really hoping he wouldn’t ask that question. He  _ had _ dressed up a bit, even though she’d told him casual clothes would be fine. And he was currently looking downright distracting. Oh well, at least she’d be bringing home a hot date.

“ Just peachy, Babe.”

“Are we doing that? Uh, the ‘babe’ thing?”

“Mmhm,” Lup nodded, noncommittal. “That’s cool?”

“Uh, yeah,” Barry breathed out. Lup tugged him through the transmutation circle.

When the world materialized around them, they were at the base of the steps up to Merle’s beach house, right on target. Damn she was good.

“So this is Merle’s,” Lup started. “We rotate family dinners. And I should warn you that people usually get pretty tipsy on Merle’s nights so uh. Be warned.” Lup was becoming disproportionally concerned about what Barry thought of her family considering that she, a lich, was probably the person a potential in-law would be the most worried about. Not that Barry was going to be  _ anyone’s  _ in-law.

“I think I’ll m-manage,” Barry said. 

“Alright,” Lup shifted her grip on Barry’s hand to lace their fingers together. You know, date stuff. “Let’s go.”

Merle sat on the front porch with the kids. Angus and Mavis were having a lively discussion over what Lup could only assume was a nerd book while Mookie threatened to teeter off the railing he was crawling over. One of Magnus’s dogs stood placatingly behind him, ready to pull him back when he did.

“Heya Sis, It’s been a while!”

Lup rolled her eyes. “It’s been two weeks, Merle!”

“Yeah! And no phone call or anything!” His gaze shifted to Barry. “Guess you’ve been busy with your new  _ beau  _ huh?” He wiggled his eyebrows.

Lup felt heat flood to her cheeks despite the warm, humid air. “Ugh, none of your business old man,” she quipped, pulling Barry through the front door.

“Hey, wait, aren’t you going to introduce me?” Merle turned in his seat to call after them.

“You’ll see him at dinner!” Lup shouted back. She heard Merle grumble about kids these days as he settled back on the porch swing. Lup lowered her voice. “Sorry, Merle’s a bit much for a level one boyfriend.”

“Uh, that’s okay.”

Lup hesitated in the entryway. Her brother was probably in the kitchen, waiting for her to help with dinner. She had been  _ fashionably  _ late after all.

She couldn't drop Barry off in the living room with a group of strangers, emphasis on the strange. But if she had to face Taako's line of questioning while Barry was in the room-

Lup groaned quietly, tugging Barry towards the kitchen.

"I've gotta help Taako make dinner," she explained. "Mind hanging out in the kitchen while he grills us?"

"Uh, b-better than- than everyone at once, right?"

"Sure," Lup said, convincing Barry as much as herself. She took a breath as they stepped into the kitchen, putting on her best  _ "This is totally my boyfriend and I have nothing to hide" _ face.

"We're here," she said, releasing Barry's hand near the island and heading over to the sink.

"It's about time," Taako retorted, wiping his hands on his apron, "Can you start peeling?" 

"What are you doing?" Lup asked.

"Uh, saying hi to our guest?" He held out his hand. "Barold, right?"

"Uh, Barry," he corrected. "Um, it’s nice to meet you."

Taako grinned. "Obviously. I’m sure you’ve heard great things.”

Barry glanced at Lup. She  _ had  _ mentioned Taako before- usually to complain. “Um. Of course.”

“I can’t say I’ve heard too much about  _ you  _ though,” Taako turned pointedly towards Lup, who had begun washing the potatoes. “Any particular reason for that?”

“I already told you this was a surprise.”

“Hm. Suspicious.”

“No its not,”

“I’m not, uh-” Barry interrupted, drawing the attention away from Lup. “I’m not really a people person. Lup was- you know I don’t get- get out much so she was just, uh. You know, accommodating. That.”

Taako rolled his eyes. “Oh, another nerd. Exactly what we need in this house.”

“This is Merle’s house, dweebus.” 

“Oh, sorry, in this  _ family. _ ”

Lup felt the heat rise to her cheeks again before she forced a smile. “Taako, please don’t scare away my boyfriend.”

“What, is it too soon? You must have been together for a while now, judging by when your social calendar started to dip.”

Lup glared fully, disguising it as a half hearted one. She didn’t want to put it on  _ too _ heavy. If she and Barry really were together, then she wouldn’t be bothered by the implication that her social life had fallen to the wayside for all the time she had been spending with him, because he would  _ know  _ he was monopolizing her time. Except they  _ weren’t _ together, and Barry had no idea how fixated she’d become on him.

“That’s dinner talk,” Lup bargained. “I don’t wanna have to tell the story twice.”

“Fine,” Taako sighed, finally turning back to cut the vegetables she’d been washing and peeling. He turned back to grin at Barry. “I’m sure there’s other things we can talk about, right Barry?”

A nervous sweat was beginning to break out across Barry’s forehead. She shouldn’t find that nearly as endearing as she did.

“Uh, I mean, about- about what?”

Taako, for his part, wasn’t nearly as invasive as he could have been. “ _ So what do you do?” “I’m a researcher at the Arcane Institute in the Capital”. “How long have you been doing the whole Warlock thing?” “Better part twenty years I guess.” “You like Wizarding or Warlocking better?”  _ He’d stumbled a bit at that, but for the most part his answers were straightforward and conversational. Taako didn’t ask much about their relationship, and between Barry’s quiet voice and Taako’s steady hands in the kitchen, she was almost able to relax, falling into the familiar rhythm of cooking for their family. That was until she turned from pulling dinner out of the oven and saw Barry gone.

“Where-?”

“I sent him out with the mashed potatoes.” Taako shrugged. “I figure he can’t mess that one up.”

Lup glared at him, setting the pan on the counter with as much force as she could without spraying gravy everywhere and rushing out of the room as casually as possible.

She stepped into the dining room just moments after Barry where he stood awkwardly before her family- who were for the most part staring at him like she’d brought home a flying elephant. It was never a good idea to leave a new boyfriend along with these idiots. Taako should know, after the whole incident with Merle’s arm. Kravitz, for his part, was looking at Barry with something closer to sympathy.

“Who’re you?” Merle asked rudely.

“Uh,”

Lup slid her arms across Barry in a way that she hoped looked familiar. “This is my  _ boyfriend _ . Merle you  _ just _ met him.” She pressed a quick kiss to his cheek for good measure, pulling back doubly as fast when she saw the mild burn it had left on his pale skin. Shit, she needed to relax.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure, Merle.”

“Hey!” Magnus stood up, the icebreaker as always. He grabbed the mashed potatoes from Barry and set them on the diner table before offering him a firm handshake. “It’s good to meet you! You’re Barry, right?”

“Uh, yeah-”

“I’m Magnus!” he peered a little closer before tapping his cheek with his free hand, parallel to where the burn was appearing on Barry’s. “Oh damn dude, how do you get around that?”

“Uh,”

“It doesn’t usually happen,” Lup said, at the same time Barry said “Burn cream.” They glanced at each other, frantic.

“I mean, I’m a little more worked up than usual. I don’t usually _ burn  _ my boyfriend with my uh, rad lich side effects. But uh, it happens. And uh. Burn cream.”

Magnus blinked. “I guess that makes sense. You and Taako need any help in the kitchen?”

Lup smiled wryly. “It’s all done, big guy, thanks. Maybe bring out some plates?”

Magnus raised his hand in a mock salute before rushing off to wreak havoc in the kitchen. Served Taako right for throwing her fake boyfriend into the lion’s den. Speaking of…

“So uh, this is Barry. My boyfriend.”

Davenport cleared his throat. “Yes, Taako mentioned.” He gestured awkwardly to the empty seats at the table. “Well, take a seat, son.”

Lup tugged Barry forward to sit next to her, preparing for the worst approximation of a shovel talk Lup had heard since Taako had brought home the grim reaper. 

“It’s good to know you’re getting out some, Lup.” Davenport said. “You… you had us worried there for a while, I have to admit.”

Lup flushed  _ again _ .  _ She wasn’t that bad.  _ “Well, yeah, I was fine, uh, Davenport. You know.” she finished vaguely.

Lucretia glanced around the table, parsing the atmosphere. “I’m Lucretia. It’s nice to meet you, Barry.” she supplied from behind her notebook, prompting the rest of the table to introduce themselves as Taako and Magnus finished bringing in dinner and took their seats.

“Yeah um, you too.” Barry answered. He hesitated over his food as the others began to eat.

“You all good, babe?” Lup asked.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, of course, I was just- its still uh, it’s still really amazing to me that you can cook, uh. Being, um…” he glanced at the rest of her family.

Lup smirked. “A lich?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I’m not used to uh, being able to discuss that frankly.”

“Hey, no problems here my man,” Merle said. “Some of my best friends are liches!”

Lup rolled her eyes. “One of your friends is a lich, and it’s me.”

“For now!”

“Yeah, maybe I’ll be a lich!” Magnus added. “With a spooky red robe and everything!”

“Uhhuh, you let me know how that goes Magnus,” Lup turned back to Barry. “You gonna dig in, hun?”

“Of course, b-babe.”

Lup felt a little thrill at hearing the pet name, which turned into a nervous flip as she watched him take a bite. He’d never had her cooking before. And it was great, natch, she already knew that, but for some reason she felt like a lot was riding on this.

“Well?”

“It’s really good Lup. As usual,” he added. “Crazy good actually. This is, uh,  _ wow _ .”

“That’s my influence,” Taako butted in.

“I- um, I’m sure it’s-” Barry chuckled nervously, “wow I really can’t win here, huh?” 

“Go with Miss Lup, sir,” Angus suggested. “Mister Taako will get over it.”

“You underestimate me, little man.”

“You forgave Mister Kravtiz when he said he thought your lemon cakes were too sweet.”

Taako redirected his gaze at Kravitz. “No I actually just forgot about that one,” he said aloofly, potential danger behind the tone.

“So...you two met through your pact?” Kravitz prompted, clearly eager for a change in subject. He wasn’t especially keen on her lichdom, though he had started to come around in the last few years.

Lup nodded. “Yup. Good old fashioned office romance,” she joked.

“How exactly did that happen?” Lucretia asked. “Professional boundaries and all. You used to be so serious about that kind of thing.”

Taako laughed. “Oh, is that why you were borrowing all those ethics textbooks last year? Trying to romance your boy in an HR approved fashion?”

Lup tensed.  _ That was hypothetical _ , she almost snapped, but then again, Barry was sitting next to her now. She forced herself to relax again. “Taako, you were sworn to secrecy on that.”

Barry smiled at her. She hoped no one else at the table read his blush as an uncomfortable one. “That’s actually really sweet Lup.”

Okay, that was unfairly cute. Lup felt her own face flush. “So, yeah, I made the first move. I just-” she sighed, caught in the perilful position of trying to be convincing enough to fool her family without being so convincing that Barry realized how much she thought of him. She kept her eyes trained on the wall. “-you know, he’s brilliant. We’d talk about magic, and everything really, and it got to the point where I just couldn’t-" Lup swallowed her own denial, all the realities she was living. "I couldn’t waste any more time. So I uh, took the leap.” She grinned, hoping that no one could smell the scorch marks under Merle’s table. “Obviously successful. I’m pretty irresistible you know.”

“Obviously,” Barry agreed, reaching over to squeeze her hand. He pulled away after a moment, shaking his hand subtly to cool what was hopefully not another burn.

She  _ really  _ had to calm down. They hadn’t even had dessert.

“What about you, Barry?” Magnus swallowed his mouthful of mashed potatoes as he continued. “How long did you know?”

“Oh, um,” Barry scratched behind his ear nervously, reminding Lup that he was not nearly as natural a liar as she was. They should have worked on their story before tonight. Barry looked down at his plate. “F-for a bit longer I think, uh. She was...breathtaking from the start. I think I got caught up in the uh, the warlock thing, the power. But, you know, I, uh-" Barry let out a nervous laugh, "I figured out eventually that it probably wasn't just that. Somewhere along the line I realized that I l-loved her."

Lup took Barry's hand, making sure she wasn't too hot to the touch as she forced a smile. "And the rest is history, right Babe?"

"Yeah." Barry smiled back, something sad and fragile in his eyes. Lup released his hand, trying not to push him any further for the time being.

"That's so sweet," Magnus said, hands clasped over his heart.

"Gross, Magnus, are you crying?" Taako asked.

"It's nice!" Magnus defended. "You should be happy for them!"

"Yeah, yeah," Taako rolled his eyes, swirling the remains of his wine glass distractedly. "It's nice." He conceded.

Lup watched Barry’s pleased smile at Taako’s begrudging approval, for a moment transported to a universe where this could be genuine, where she wasn’t his patron and she was just bringing her brilliant boyfriend home for family dinner. She could almost laugh at the idea- that a lich, an eldritch being of power and distance, could bring someone new into their undeath.

Instead she widened her eyes dramatically, looking pointedly at Taako, then at Barry. “Wow babe, a ten star review!” she threw her arms around him for good measure- for the act. Obviously.

“Uh… ‘it’s nice’?” Barry asked.

Magnus nodded enthusiastically. “I think that’s the nicest thing Taako’s ever said!”

“I can be- I can be  _ nice _ .” Taako defended.

“Yeah, and to Lup’s new boyfriend of all people!”

“Your walls are coming down, friend,” Merle sang, before a silvery mage hand pinched his ear. “Hey!”

Mookie laughed at his dad’s indignation, and quickly crawled out of his seat to mimic Taako’s mage hand.

Lucretia laughed quietly, shooting Barry a look that might have been apologetic if it weren’t for her barely-concealed amusement. “Welcome to the family.”

Lup shifted her arm to rub at Barry’s shoulder, hoping to ground him through what was quickly divulging into what was typically to be expected of family dinner.

“You’ll get used to it,” Davenport assured Barry through disgruntled fondness, and she knew it was delusional, but Lup almost hoped that he would.

-

  
  


Lup sat on Merle’s porch swing next to Barry, listening to the gradually abating commotion inside. It was expected for a couple to sneak off after dessert for a few minutes alone. At least, that’s what Lup told herself as she gazed at Barry’s hand still intertwined with her own. 

“Thanks again,” she said quietly. "I don’t know how I would have gotten myself out of that one.”

“Eh, I’m uh, sure you’d figure something out.”

“Something better than an actual fake boyfriend? I doubt it.” Lup tapped her cheek. “Sorry about that, by the way.”

Barry stared at her for a moment, perplexed, before realization hit and his fingers brushed the burn across his cheek. “Oh! Um, that’s- that’s okay, uh, I’ve had w-worse. S-sorry I couldn’t think up a good excuse.”

Lup snorted. “I think burn cream was very reasonable. Just that, if we were dating, you know, you’d need to use tons of it.” she risked a smirk. “And I mean _ tons. _ ”

Barry laughed, thankfully, before they fell into silence again. Lup could hear Merle starting to sing a poor impression of Kenny Chesney as the kids screamed with delight.

“I...didn’t really think of this in the long term,” Lup admitted at last. “I mean, we’ll probably have to stage a breakup. And then Taako will be back to bothering me about my social life,” she laughed softly.

“Uh, well, I don’t mind being your, uh, f-fake boyfriend when you need me. I mean, I plan to b-become a lich, so an expiration date shouldn’t really be a- a problem if that’s- if that’s, uh...Lup?

Barry’s words had sobered Lup up faster than any lesser restoration, leaving her conscious and alert as she stared at him intently. “What?”

Barry’s wide eyes met hers, realizing what he’d said.. “Oh, sh-shit, um. I wanted to tell you. Not like this. Uh,” He suddenly shifted, resting his elbows on his knees and hiding his head behind his hands. “I wanted to tell you,” he repeated. He sounded sick. “Um. I’m going to become a lich. When I can. Not- I  _ can’t _ , yet, but I’ve been studying, I- I want to-”

“ _ Why? _ ” Lup insisted. “Barry, you have  _ power _ , why would you want to become- immortal and- and undead-”

“ _ You're  _ undead.”

Lup laughed. “I’m not the best role model for that, Barry, my brother-in-law has an in with the Raven Queen.”

“I- It’s not about role model, I-” He was avoiding her gaze, something vulnerable in his eyes as he tried to explain. It was the same expression he’d worn tonight when she told the half-truth about how they fell in love. And trying to piece together what he meant, she realized she’d seen it so many times over all the years they had shared a pact, talking over spells and history- and all at once it hit her.

Lup moved to lean over Barry, who fell quiet at the interruption. She placed her hands solidly on his shoulders- the quickly pulled them back when she smelled burning fabric. She should have seen that one coming. She felt like she was burning up.

“Barry, I was going to kiss you but I think I might actually give you severe burns if I do that right now.”

Barry blinked. “Oh, uh. What? W-wait. I have, uh. Wait.” Barry shifted, fiddling with an onyx ring on his right hand. “I can- I can reset this to fire resistance,” he explained, because of course he had a variable ring of resistance, and of course he would think to use it in a situation like this.

“I love you,” the words spilled out of her before Lup could stop them. “Fuck, is that too soon?”

His eyes became impossibly wider, before a laugh tumbled out. “Fuck, no,  _ no _ it’s not too s-soon, that’s, I- I love you too, Lup, for- for tw-twenty years, fuck.”

Lup took a sharp breath. How was she supposed to respond to that? To the fact that she had been torturing herself over tragic, unrequited, unfair love for  _ decades _ when he’d been right there, loving her? “Please tell me you have fire resistance now.”

“Yea-” He’d hardly gotten the word out when Lup was on him,  _ finally _ . Her hands settled first on his arms, then his shoulders, his hair, and gods she was glad she wasn’t in full lich form for this because if she wasn’t able to feel every facet of him then she might explode.

"I- I didn't think-" Barry began between breaths, and Lup pulled back to let him speak, hands still tight on his shoulders. "I never thought you'd feel th- the same way. W-when I was- I'm just-"

"You are not  _ just  _ anything Barry, I was reading  _ ethics  _ textbooks to find a way to woo you respectfully.  _ Ethics."  _ She laughed. "Barry, I- we've been pretty dumb, huh Babe?"

"Y-yeah that's- that's fair. In your defense, I'm, uh- I mean you weren't the  _ whole  _ reason I decided to become a lich, but, um, you know, I thought… being more on your level might- uh, it couldn't  _ hurt _ , you know?"

"Planning the long con, huh, Babe?"

Barry laughed then, soft and elated. "I- I guess so."

Lup grinned, leaning in for another kiss. "A man after my own heart."

Just then the front door opened, Taako taking a step out and promptly adopting a disgusted expression as Lup and Barry leapt apart.

“What the hell, Taako?” Lup demanded.

“I was just coming out to ask if you wanted coffee, jeez. Didn’t expect you to be macking on your fake boyfriend.”

Lup blinked, jumping to her feet as she processed what he’d said.

“You  _ knew? _ ”

Taako drew back with false insult. “Oh, sorry, you think I can’t tell? You think I, your twin brother, can’t tell?”

“And you were going to let me just- get away with it?”

“Hey, anything to fill up your social calendar. Obviously it  _ worked.  _ Somehow.” 

“You planned this?”

Taako scoffed. “Absolutely not. I just thought it would be like, a friend thing. Better than nothing, you know? You didn’t have to accost the poor mortal.” He leaned around Lup to eye Barry, who currently looked like  _ he  _ would burst into flame. “Are you okay, Barry? Do I need to rescue you from your unappeasable undead patron?”

“Um,”

“He’s  _ fine,  _ Taako.” Lup insisted.

“Let the man speak!”

Barry managed a thumbs up as he wandered awkwardly to the edge of the porch, avoiding Taako’s gaze. He was starting to look like he thought the twenty foot drop to the beach below was a reasonable escape route. Maybe she _ should _ check on him.

Taako rolled his eyes, invoking istus under his breath. “Coffee and drinks inside,” he said, turning back towards the house.

Lup let out a heavy breath as the front door closed behind him, the same sound echoed by Barry.

“Sorry about that,” Lup said.

Barry shook his head, resting both hands on the porch railing. “N-no that’s, uh...man, I’m embarrassed.”

Lup settled next to him. “Hate to break it to you Babe, but it won’t be the last time.”

“Uh, y-yeah?”

“Yeah,” Lup grinned, and leaned forward to kiss him again. He reached forward to rest a hand on her arm, her skin having evidently cooled down enough to do so comfortably.

They stayed out on the porch for longer than they probably should have. When Lup finally pulled away again, it was only to let Barry breath. Pesky moral lung capacity.

“Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?” Lup asked. “I mean, not that this location isn’t killer, but I really don’t want my brother to walk in on us again.”

“Won’t it be rude to leave?” Barry asked, though if his expression told her anything it was that he didn’t much mind. “Your uh, family is probably waiting for us.”

“They can wait longer,” Lup assured, leaning in close again. “Or, you know, you could just catch up with them next time. Dinner is like, a bi-weekly thing.”

“Oh- okay, yeah, uh, next time works,” he breathed.

Lup grinned, closing the distance between them once more. “Sweet,” she said, focusing just enough to cast her teleportation back home. Taako could yell at her later. Besides, he had nothing to yell at her  _ for-  _ this was what he'd been bugging her about anyway.

Barry stopped kissing her just long enough to process that her teleport had landed them back in his study. He managed an awed "nice" before he let her pull him back in.

They'd get to talking. They'd have  _ time  _ for talking, because for all Taako complained about her being a workaholic, she had  _ no  _ problems canceling on her other warlocks now that she had better things to do.

Barry was the one to break the kiss yet again, his need to breathe apparently outweighing the need to be kissed senseless for the moment. They really would have to work on that. But the look Barry gave her as he caught his breath made her think such a thing wasn't  _ strictly  _ time-sensitive. 

"We can talk," Barry began,

" _ Later,"  _ Lup promised, and pulled him in as close as she could. Yeah, her social calendar would be fine.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Aaaahhh I hope everyone enjoyed! I haven't had much time or inspiration to write with everything going on, but I had a lot of fun with this idea so I'm glad I was finally able to finish this up in a way I liked. Comments and Kudos are always appreciated :P


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